A Changed Life

So I haven’t blogged in ages, and had the nerve to start another blog all together…! That I don’t keep up with either!

gggrrrrrrr

K~

It’s been very quiet here in tumblr town!

came home from a great day of church & great luncheon with the leaders to some sad news. Our friend Bill died lastnight from lung cancer…never smoked a day in his life, not even 40,lovely wife,3 teen children…..he loved the Lord deeply. So glad he is with the Lord, whole & restored. I feel sooooo sad for Mel & the kids. Bill & Mel loved eachother so deeply & had such a fun relationship it just breaks my heart. I know…that I know…she/they have all been trusting God for the outcome of Bill’s cancer. There is comfort in that, but it’s all the little earthly things…he will see none of his kids graduate, or marry…..Mel will raise teens without their earthly daddy. Just a sad thought. Yet I know God is suffecient to meet all their needs, thus the feelings of bittersweet. Bitter…cuz of the loss and what that means. sweet becasue he is healed, is with our Father, can breathe deep again,free of pain……”My heart will choose to say “Lord Blessed be Your name”…..

Restless legs allready and I haven’t even gone to bed yet, well actually everynight at about 7 or so they get this way grrrrr…..Even as far as I have come and am oh so thankful for it…..I sometimes think how wonderful it would be to have just one day of feeling 100% normal, no numb fingers,no weak leg,no restless leg(s), normal feeling skin when I shave my legs……just one day, one day to feel like I used to. I am having a mental pity party! It isn’t fair to walk around pouting about it and moping to others, it’s just the way it is, and most days I am good with it, even full of thankfulness for the fact that I have come so far, but I am human and therefore have the off day & this afternoon was one of them. When I look down the road and think that I may have to just live this way forever, it’s a bit depressing. I will praise Him….my heart will CHOOSE to stay…..but it is a choice & I must make it every day. It was just much eaiser to be thankful when I was “healthy”, when my body felt whole & complete. Ah Lord…….just get me through the rest of this night…..tomorrow is a new day & I will move past this blue cloud that has been following me today….

Met with an old friend today, one of my best. Trying to sort out what is left of a friendship that was so deep, a once in a lifetime friend I believe. So much of our hurts have stemmed from a lack of communication, so the other just assumed one thing or another. Some assumptions were right, many were not. I haven’t decided how I feel just yet. Hopeful, empty and sad…..it takes a while for me to chew on these things. Replay the conversation & digest all that was said. One thing is certain, we both miss each other horribly, but neither are really sure where to go or what to do…..seems so stupid, but it is the reality of it. I don’t believe I will ever have a friendship like that again, so one wonders why not just “be friends” why not just “move on” “begin again”….. for that I have no answer. Fear of rejection, fear of finding out we no longer have the same friendship…..or that it just won’t work any longer. Really I am not a complicated person, nor is she, that is why I am feeling so frustrated by this. We have taken what was once so comfortable & fun and made it a mess. Right now I can only lay it at my Lords feet..the hurt,anger,fear. Wanting to just pick up the pieces and move on with our friendship…..